Messed around and took photos with keira. Just laying in bed reading now and listening to relaxing music. Im beginning to work on music. 

Yo otber month i strolled into some mans house cause i was buying weed and the dude was like white house with porch and i got there on google maps and was a white house with a porch and yooo you shouldve seen that mans face i thought he was gonna try and punch me or some shit and somehow he just knew i was looking to buy somethin it was a mess i was just like petting his dogs in his HOUSE lmao

I owe my train of thought
To my former self
And of my lifeless rot,
I owe that to my health

The wishes that i keep
I owe that to my stealth

For all that i am,
Is who that i was

I dont add up. Im like a trapeze artist slipping farther down the ropes. I somehow catch the next but with less and less certainty. Im a underacheiver. Im not confident with my progress. The puzzle pieces are fitting but im just throwing the pieces down. Nothing is calculated everything is just by chance working. Im not ahead im not trying hard enough. Im failing. I am not taking control im letting the world control me. The only way ill be happy is if i try harder. Push my brain to new pointsget sore and suceed.

Im 19 but ive aged about 30 years

I was told when i worked at wendys a few times that i looked way too happy for being at my job. None of them realized that that is what i was being payed for. Actually i was made fun of by workers too, a few times to the face but im sure a lot behind my back. Once a new girl was there and had to watch me and she made fun of my voice while i was taking an order and then proceeded to actually ask the customers how they felt about it. I teared up haha because i guess i am so sensitive. She grew on me quickly though she was so different and outspoken and from a very different generation but so young hearted.  i just felt like that was the only appropiate demeanor, they didnt need to know a thing about me, im just like the wawa computer. Even the wawa computer things are delightful a little bit right? All the colors they put and maybe a little cute animation. Me just being nice is like that to computers. Im just being payed to be a pleasant information pathway. I sincerely hope that i dont have to work another job like that though! I dont want to have to talk to people that i dont know as the main job, it was fine but i just dreaded going and i cannot stand that feeling!

STRESSED AS FUCK

Lost my phone yesterday at acme or someone took it out of my car cause I didn't lock it. I realized by the time i pulled in my driveway and already once again it was completely gone. 2 of the three things i actually care about are gone. Now i just cant lose my keys... from watching mr robot Im scared someones going to hack into my phone but I dont care that much i guess. At least I downloaded google photos so I should have all of my photos but Im a damn mess if i couldve just remebered my fucking apple id I wouldve been able to find it but i dont write down all my usernames and passwords in a password safe like i should and i only had 16gb on my phone so i never could download things so i never saw my apple id in like a year at least. And i was retuning my iphone in 2 weeks. Now i have to pay 200 $ for it -__- my brother has a galaxy 6 though that hes gonna give to me. He just made a 21,000 bonus from september so he can pay off a lot of student debt :)

Heart hurting so much and never have any energy whatsoever 

Forgot I bought sum Kratom 2 years ago and with all the news about it I remembered and just found it. It says Bali on the bag and it's a red bag. I gotta do hw so I gotta look up the effects cause if it'll make me tired I'll do it tonight. I'm drinking sum coffee right now to wake me up and my kitten fell asleep on my arm so I'm typing with one hand. I bought 28 grams I have no clue how much is left, probably like 10 but I have no clue on how to eye powder. If it's weed I'll know the exact point just by looking at it haha:3

Edit* found that it's supposed to mimic opiate effect. I have no tolerance to opiates so maybe I'll get something off this. It's supposed to be sedative but honestly my anxiety generally is out the roof and most things that are supposed to sedate me just make me feel okay to do stuff like hw. I have messed around with benzodiazepines the tiniest bit but realize they are highly addictive so have only used them for fun and never as an anti anxiety medication. I personally believe highly addictive substances should only be used for fun about 1 time a month or less to keep someone from ever getting addicted. I don't take any medication. I drove an hour into Pennsylvania the wrong way yesterday and ended up in a hood that reminded me of Camden. Once I realized I was so off track I parked and got out to look around and figure out where the hell I was. My vape also died and I saw a man on his porch smoking so I called out to him asking if I could buy a cigarette off him for a dollar. He said I could just have it and when I came up to him and tried grabbing the cigarette my hand shook so badly that I dropped my keys and almost dropped my lighter. I told him I was just anxious from getting lost which was the truth but I'm sure I looked like I was withdrawing from some serious drug. My anxiety is so bad that my hands shake uncontrollably it's so embarrassing to look like I'm a drug addict or something and I know people have thought that about me before probably. One time someone from my school hmu asking if I knew where to get pills and I'm almost sure it's because he's seen me shaking really badly and just expects I must do that or something. I just am a stoner:)

Stopped smoking cigarettes about a month ago. Got a 60$ vape that works amazing.

Went to visit my brother. His apartment is amazing and catching up with him was amazing I love him. 

Bus hit my car in New York. Came back to my car as bus was knocking off side mirror so bus company paid the 1,200$ I would have been so fucked if I didn't find it right on time.

School work is a lot. Having a hard time concentrating. Proud I was first to get a program to work in my class. Love my math teacher so much! He reminds me a little of my dad and is just a very good and reasonable teacher. 

I really like all of my teachers so much this semester. My French Teacher is this bousie chick who's 40 something and sweet and just a damn show to watch.

My jazz teacher I think is from Haddon township and he's really cool he has opinions that I respect and agree with and he is passionate about his music and teaching which keeps things interesting. My computer science teacher is great she's very knowledgeable, kind and eccentric yet dresses very classy and has a bit of a grandmom vibe and is about 55 . She is someone to look up to. My forrensics teacher is this Jewish Russian guy that fought in the Cold War. He teaches at temple and is researching here so I know he's extremely smart but he's a fumbling bumbling mess and I love watching him bump around the class room so lost.

The things my brother has experienced seem so cool. Me Keira and Jeff all stayed and we ordered vegan food and saw an awesome show, explored Brooklyn and went to Coney Island. His apartment is beautiful the view off the roof is amazing and the furniture he's bought himself is all really nice. I'm so proud of him that he's doing so well for himself. he always has good intention and he deserves what he has. I learned a lot about him and it was all to be suspected although I haven't seen him in forever I always feel like I understand him and know him wholly. I think we are a lot alike.

Spent 3 hours in the woods yesterday with Amelia and Alexis and prancer

Smoking blunts and exploring and drinking coffee

Enjoying some of yung leans music so much right now. Monster.

Watched the crying game and ate vegan brownies.

I would love to have a batman type gang if I ever have the money like that.

Math hw today. 12 hour day Tuesday's and Thursday's. Horrible breaks so I need to learn to run and mediate during them. 7:30 Leaving to and  7;00 leaving from.

Forensic chem

Math

Comp science

Need to start talking to Rutgers people I feel like I'm really behind and need to buy the next book I want to read that was recommended to me

I mostly play with ratti/smoky she makes me the most happy that and day dreaming

Been drinking slightly more often just 2 beers at a time keeps me from wanting to do something other than smoke.

Want to visit my brother next weekend

Need to plan the next move in my life that will break the monotone. 

About to go shopping

School starts tomorrow

I'm not good at much but thinking. My dreams and thoughts are the only things that make me want to live. My dreams are often so lucid and so indescribably detailed and sensational. 

Picture from 2 days ago.

Been busy and depressed.

SDc

SDC is a little thing my dad says meaning 'so damn cute' and you gotta say it when someone  does something bad but it's also adorable. Commonly used for cats. 

My little smoky/ratti is constantly laying all over me so I never can move and biting me so hard my nails crack scratching me until I bleed knocking shit over eating dirt fighting my dog from a door crack 

She is SDC 

I mine as well

I mind as well 

Oh it's might

This had me confused for hours before hahaha south jersey accents!

Morn

It was fun havin Amelia and Keira sleep over :)

The clouds were pink last sunset!

Fire ragin within 

Ice is my skin

Ice burn sensation 

Stomp me out

Readin and wishin

Beach with Keira Amelia kait and Alexis the other day:3

My dog and my kitten bring me happiness everyday. I missed the perfect picture but in this pic my kitten ratti is sitting on prancer

I love them so much. I like bringing my dog to crows woods the most in Haddonfield because its not populated too much and it's very open so you can jog and the brush isn't suffocating for my doggus. Tomorrow I'm going to the beach I think I'm going to strathmere or sea isle with Amelia and kait and maybe Alexis and Keira.

MY KITTEN ! So sweet and looking so crazy and Asian!

CREATED AN ACtual FORT USING ITS FOOT. My sweet rattus 

Beginning now on Thursdays and Tuesdays I'm going to spend an hour working on math. I really hate the fact that I struggle so much with math and I am afraid this will be a difficult course so I would like to find my note book and start redoing what I did during the semester. Also last night I had a dream about somebody's sister. I don't imagine her face much or think about her but she was in my dream stoned as hell talking to me a lil it was very interesting hah

M

I bought this book today I'm excited to read:) 

Hahaha just thinking of this woman at Wells Fargo bank she's crazy she knows how to use the young ones lol I asked her to cancel everything under my name twice. First time she left my savings account second time she still left my credit card which she signed me up for which I never wanted! I don't even think she understands that what she's doin is pretty bad idk if she's like doing badly at the bank or something but I can't help but laugh she's so sweet when I see her but she is a plotting! Doesn't matter to me ha as long as I'm not getting charges! And I got a25$ gift card to Barnes and nobles for signing up for a credit card.. She never said it was a credit card she just said it was a card that gives me discounts ect but hey free money , I'm just gonna chop the credit one I guess !

I remember when I first started smoking weed I would walk down Haddon Abe and close my eyes and the cars would sound just like waves like I was on the beach. I remember one of the coolest times that I smoked; it was when I had only smoked a handful of two of times and I hadn't smoked a bong before. I was ripping the Bong in this abandoned house with some friends and I got so stoned I began dreaming yet I was awake, like I was in third person actually watching my own dreams. Chip tune music was playing and I was flying over landscapes between situations in my dreams. I was riding on this unicorn to different dreams. Everything was so abstract, I would fall into a situation and after I would be riding over seas and mountains to my next dream. It was an amazing experience. I used to get so stoned that I would constantly have curtain vision or slide vision, the psychedelic properties were extremely strong for me. When I smoked I remembered so much from my childhood that it really shifted my outlook on life a lot and my thoughts were connected in ways they never had been before. Now as a daily smoker the psychedelic effects are not as apparent but I feel like it's just within me at all times. If I stopped for two weeks I wonder how my thinking would change. I know I have not gotten any stupider from weed but my mind is cloudy most of the time, I take longer to think and remember but I also feel like I analyze things and problems differently because of weed. Whenever I'm being irrational if I hit the bud I can think straight and loically again without emotion.  

I only post pics because I haven't decided what I want to write about really and I do what to document how I look for myself. I want to start writing more on this.

II've been thinking about money a lot lately. I'm really interested in economics because I feel like our system is so messed up. The stock market is so weird to me I really want to learn more. Something great happened for me at school with my math class:3 I've been swimming a lot and having fun outdoors in new places. Yet I am extremely depressed. I go through stages and I am at the worst and I have been for awhile but I just am doing my best to suck it up and be regular. 

This is a rainbow sprinkle thing that formed in my room. 

Tomorrow I'm going to the shore with my parents. I'm going to read on a kindle.

Many times

I love my kitten ratti/smoky

She was ready to get my foot then she did

Chrome filter wow hah

What doctor is calling Wendy's and asking for me?! I haven't worked there in a year I have this funny feeling it wasn't a doctor that called them but someone maybe trying to see if I still worked there? 

8:35am

I had the most amazing dream literally made me so happy I love when something feels so real but then later on I had a dream I think I was trying to get my dads attention I screamed dad  so loud it woke me up and my dad and mom. I get my calculus test back today , wow okay I just remembered another dream. I dreamed I literally got a 5. I am extremely stressed about it and only have one more week of class so I'm hoping so badly that I get a passing grade. Yesterday I went to the Renaissance fair with Alexis because she had free tickets, it was the nj one it was pretty silly I bought a clay car freshener and cinnamon oil to put on it. At the Devils pool where I went cliff jumping it was a really nice atmosphere. I jumped off the highest cliff it feels so cool for those moments of free fall. The beautiful question is a book that I would like to read next week. The reviews on Amazon are amazing

Silver blonde :3 went cliff jumping yesterday it was amazing :3

I used to hate my profile but now I feel like it reflects a part of my personality just hard as hell you know

I've got some rigid boundaries and anyone that believes I don't does not know me at all. I'm becoming disciplined , it's work in progress yet over my own mind I very much in control and aware. So if you think you know me, know I'm not like others in that aspect

Haha I just had the funniest thought, mr swaziki or mr George when I was in like 10th grade actually asked to smell my fingers to try and see if I was smoked lmao like wtf now that I think of that! and I was happy cause I never even touched weed I literally smoked res out of a bowl so it was just so odd and awkwardAnd also had to ride with me George once in a like this car I can't remember the name but it looks so funny and it was like the type with just one seat all the way in the front to the hospital for me being high and I literally hadn't smoked that day. Lmao just 2  funny memories

I wonder what a significant out of state contact is. What makes someone significant, what makes them able to hide someone else? Is there a list of these people? Are they only rich or is it something more interesting? Why can't I find it on the Internet?

And my hair is still on its way I really love the interesting process of getting rid of the black hair dye. I've bleached my hair twice and toned it twice but it is still reddish so I have more work to do but I m going to sleep with coconut oil on it for  a week or so and continue to use deep conditioner for regular conditioner:3

I made a smoothie with raspberries and strawberry which is delicious 

I haven't ever been into a series of television since I was in elementary school other than workaholics, but now I'm into one called 'Orphan black ' , I really am enjoying it so much so I'm going to watch an episode before I do things that I have to do:3

I've got one of these every year I can remember

I never really thought about it but I guess I might as well document it. I never really eat much of it haha and I don't love coconut or anything but it's sweet I guess :)

A few really funny things happened to me recently, I'm thinking about writing them down in a few hours on here while laying down. 

When you're still stressing over the same things in your dreams 🔫

ScapeS

Wissahickon. Lmao hickon

Happiness

I get so much happiness from seeing my dog happy I really love him so much, it gives a lot of meaning to my life. A beautiful moon tonight to look at tonight and teal sky in the distance. I love taking prancer new places and also get so much happiness from nature and different landscapes

Submerge me in le warm water. I'll choose to drown over to get out.

I ran out of things to say. I actually didn't run out of things to say, I could've said a lot but I haven't had the energy to write it down sadly . Just letting myself go through the motions.., I feel shameful if I had to place a word to my feelings. But some good has happened and some bad but that's grey and I don't feel like thinking of specifics. 

I had the most amazing dream, I wish I could go back into it so badly!

Snow

Never seen snow look like this in a picture. Beautiful snow :) 

Tuesday

I want to go exploring with my dog today:3 I woke up early so I'm relaxing now . I'm going to start filming a movie today! very excited I'll write about it on here tonight. Nice to relax and I painted my nails :)

What makes me different than anybody else?

I feel like a hood rat in the city of France in Olden times , stealing a loaf of bread. Gritty grimy stealthy. a loner, content.

I feel like an angel. So much love inside of me so pure with only good intention, so sweet so sad and hopeful sleepin in cotton candy.

I tried taking this picture because when I looked in the mirror there was this bright white circle around my iris that showed that it's risen but you cannot see it too well in the photo

Lucky :3

This morning was lucky and great and I feel thankful. This morning I had court for getting into an accident. I wanted to maybe score a plea deal , but when I was finally called , I was dismissed! I didn't even have to give reasons why I wasn't guilty or anything. The court room was filled with all different types of people and offenses.

2 things I like that are in my room:)