I would be

Better off dead

A spear in my heart

Or a bullet to the head

Maybe drink some bleach

So the ones around me see

The pain that I've felt ;

It's been magnifying 

I've lost all hope

At the end of my rope

Can't continue to cope

The darkness is dear

My only friend here

I have no one to talk to

No one to confide 

No one to listen

In the darkness I ride

So I could write a lot because since I've written my life has imploded on itself. I've messed up fatally but why write to the air space about things I barely can bring my own head to accept.
Today I woke with artistic creativity and mah lullaby in my head - somethin about the thought has kept me going for awhile and once I broke down and lost my vision  I felt as though my dreams were crushed.
Im not well and wouldn't expect anyone to feel bad or want to help. We're all selfish creatures i just feel ripped in two so let me write to infinity what im feeling.
After my shower i will go on a ride and listen to music i would like to record a song

Well the counsler was wrong again its actually 8 classes. So a whole 'nother' ( this was never brought to my attention i guess people say this instead of 'another whole' intersting.) Year, and on top of that my associates was going to take me an extra semester anyway because of my math skills and my inexperience with computers (so i took fundamental classes about them).
I feel cheated of my life
I feel like my house burnt down
Like someone stole my car
Like my dog got run over
I dont understand how my first counsler blatently lied to me and even the knowable one missed huge details. This ist just money this is my fucking 20's now this is the beginning of me being an adult, this isn't the only shit i want to learn. I have artisitic asperations , i have dreams. If im stuck on one major for 7 years (if some more bad luck came my way) is it even fucking worth it? Probably not.. but ill probably end up as a fucking stocker at a Walmart or something with an 'associates of computer science b.a from ccc'
And with working all those hours, furthering my skill will be almost impossible and when will i have time to do what i want thats artistic? I just dont know what to do right now really. Its my fault, i shouldve taken responsibility into my own hands to confirm its all going to be transferable.. but i just took her word because that was what i assumed she was being paid to do. Ill figure it out i hope...

Not a person asked me to hangout on my birthday. I figured out 5 classes i took that i was told would be transferable wouldn't. I could have easily taken the ones that trasfer but i was told the ones i chose would. I have a class at 12:30. All of my heart and soul wants to leave now. I have so much work to do but i feel so disheartened and depressed i have absolutely no motivation to do anything i want to lay in bed and never wake up. I want to take sleeping medicine when i get home but then how will i work on anything? I dont know what to do. I would like to stab myself in the heart to taoe away from the pain :/

Have you ever had the feeling of true and ultimate death? I know i have read about people experiencing this feeling. But its like a whole different sensation of pain that is so intense in a way thats unexplainable. The dimension that youre being pulled into has such a strong hold on you,  that if you were to try and speak it would not come out as words. I want to read a littlr about astral projection. Although my beliefs are normally based on scienece or observation ect. ; the times i experienced it, it literally was the most insanely realistic and most intense things that have happened to me. At the time i didnt even know of astralprojection (honestly still dont know much but im saying i didnt even knoe the term) . Each time i would be laying in my bed trying to sleep and all the sudden  i open my eyes because i feel like a gravitational force is pulling me. When i look around  see my bed clear as day, my mind is clear.  The force gets so incrediably strong  its with pure energy exponetially gathering in my entire body. Its unexplainableto describe thr amount of energy coursing through me in a way that makes my cringe. It only happened 3 times and only once i was smart and let my self fully let go. I dont know what was ripping out of me but i guess most wouod describe it as a soul? I dont know what form i was in but the unique and indescribable pain of me getting torn of even as i gripped the bed still i left that bed  and body behind. I was moving so fast it felt like the speed of light. Through my roof and then the trees, the sky the atmosphere into space and then abstract insane color cosmic bliss. And thenmy eyes opened again and i felt so insane.

Finished code like 9 hours after starting. If you wanna do this type of thing get used to it taking FOREVER. hate when i worked my ass off and dont have weed:/ well at least im tired. Gotta be up in like 6 hours:/

Spend 7 hours writing code. Thought itd take me 10 minutes but im not done. Nothing like being back at school. And forgoing my math hw. If i fail math in the end itll hurt but honestly im not a math person and if it takes me an extra semester it take me an extra god damn semester... but this computer stuff... damn. Its all new. So its like i dont want to give it up. I dont need to be some master programmer. I just want to be in a techy enviroment and honestly over the past 2 years i have learned so much. So much overlaps with other classes i feel like ive learned an amazing amount. But here i am in pain again. Oh god how many others are stressed as me? Im sure a handful. But this is supposed to just be review and its not. Hope i wont be up all night like for my last project last semester that was horrible.

Back at it yeh im back at it

Cant put 0101011001 in a rock and expect it to do something. The vacuum and analytic computers. Doped rocks. Lovelace.

Comp sci 2 , logic&reasoning, discreet mathmatics, public speaking, french and last and least calculus. 

Same teacher that failed me on a summer course. He thinks all calculus is, is - decode then algebra. FUCKING SAD. i dont even like math but how can you make something so powerful and complex ans turn that into 'just decoding ' The reason i failed his precalc class before is because he would take off the entire question's points if i made a tiny algebraic mistake . So i need to get my algebraic skills down fully to pass with this guy. Ridiculous though my last teacher loved math and wanted us all to see why, now i have a teacher that does not only not love math, yet also gets off by taking massive amounts of points off for nothing. I feel like he doesn't like me. I like him though alright. In a 'youre entertaining because you literally are so wack' way. So ill stay kind and involved and work on my algebra.

I couldnt belive how my discreet mathmatucs course reminded me of my logic and reasoning course as of now.

My logic and reasoning teacher embaressed me on Thursday. He looks about thirty and is tall , wears an awkward suit, is conventionally basic, short blondish hair. He said it will be a debateful class. He went around the room having us answer the questions on the board about ourselves outloud. He asked each student why they do this and what they want to be. When he got to me when i finished talking he look like something kind of smacked him. He said woah you just really went fast and then unaudibly says something along the lines of him not even being able to comprehend what i said and was just like next. I felt so red i dont understand, i know i didnt talk fast ans i didnt say much. Its just that i am so shy and if im going to talk a lot amd loud it normally has to be from the beginning of the class i feel comfortable. Now i feel uncomfortable and unconfident with the way i speak.